“Is that a short dress or a really long shirt?
1. “Why don’t I ever have anything to wear?” Somehow I only have stuff to wear when I have new stuff. Why can’t I always have new stuff?!
2. “Do I have too many clothes?” My tank tops are all two to a hanger and my shoes are laughing at me from every corner of my home because the bottom of my closet filled up long ago and now they’re spreading across the entire floor like a virus.
3. “How long do I have to wait before busting out this amazing perfect outfit of my dreams again?” Should I Anna Wintour it and just wear the same exact thing twice in a week or should I Lady Gaga it and treat all my outfits like condoms: wear once and throw away?
4. “Is this *~ReAlLy~* dry clean only?” A lot of clothes only say that so they seem more expensive than they are, right? If I just toss this new “dry clean only” top I wore to the bar last night that now smells like cigarette smoke in the wash it will be totally fine… Right?
5. “Why is it so hard to take that pile of stuff that’s been sitting in the corner forever to Goodwill?” Ooh Real Housewives is on.
6. “Am I too tall for heels?”
7. “Am I too short for flats?”
8. “When was the last time I actually hand-washed my bras?” Probably around the time I last went to Goodwill which means it’s best to forget I ever wondered this silently to myself!
9. “Is this too short for work?” I’m walking around the house, my butt’s not showing. I’m throwing this pen on the floor and picking it up, my butt’s still not showing. This is decent! Let’s do this, skirt!
10. “Why did this outfit look cute and fine before I left the house but it looks disgusting and borderline indecent now that I’m at work and can’t change?” My skirt is riding up to my boobs and my hair is frizzy and can I just borrow Katie’s “why is the office is always cold” blanket to hide under all day and not talk to anyone kthxbye.
11. “Is it true that a woman with my body type ‘can’t wear’ maxi skirts/turtlenecks/high-waisted pants?” I really want to wear this trend but that lady on that TLC reality show said I’m “not supposed to” because of my chest and now I’ll never be able to wear it without wondering if she’s right.
12. “Why am I a size 4 in this store and a size 8 in that other store?” Yet thanks to your standard changing room fun house mirrors I looked like I was a size 2 in the size 8 store and a size 10 in the size 4 store.
13. “Are my leggings actually see-through when I bend over?” So I’ve been embarrassing myself in yoga class for more than one reason this whole time? Great.
14. “Does my hot pink lace underwear poke out from my navy office pants every time I sit down?” Oh good, so it does. And that’s why Gross Steve lingered at my desk a little while longer than usual today. #HateHim
15. “Why are my adorable new flats actually more uncomfortable than all my high heels combined?” EFFING SHOES. FLATS DAY IS SUPPOSED TO BE A REST DAY, NOT A FOOT TORTURE TIMES 10 DAY.
16. “What is this crap that is always weighing down my purse?” I don’t know what it is, I don’t know how it got there, I just know that this Universal Purse Crap will always stand in between me and the eight Aquaphors and nine Tic Tac cases that are floating around in it somewhere.
17. “Is this dress/waist belt too tight?” Or did my lungs just randomly expand to take in three times as much air once I took it off?
WOMAN HAS ASKED HERSELF ABOUT HER CLOTHES
18. “Is this a long shirt or a really short dress?” Who knows! But now I’ll never wear it since it looks dumb with leggings, jeans, and tights.
19. “Can I pull off a few punk things even though my whole closet is boho?” I love this top and these shoes but WTF is this other stuff in my closet? Ugh, I have nothing to wear.