TRUTHS ABOUT VIRGINITY
10 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS ABOUT LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY IT ONLY GETS BETTER FROM HERE.
1. It’s not an epic, romantic moment. Unless you consider awkwardly groping in the backseat of a 20-year-old used car romantic.
2. It doesn’t set the tone for the rest of your sex life forever. There’s no scrapbook under your bed that you fondly flip through and remember the times when you still had your virginity. In retrospect, you’ll probably just boil it down to, “Eh, he kept giggling, I kept wishing I were watching TV.”
3. There are disturbingly few orgasms involved. If you were lucky enough to get one orgasm out of the deal, give yourself a high five. Plus, it’s kind of hard to have an orgasm with a nervous guy who has no idea what or where your clitoris is.
4. You don’t magically transform into a mature adult person like Tom Hanks in BIG after having sex. You might feel a little more world-weary, but it’s not like you suddenly know about the stock market.
5. Telling your friends you did it is always better than actually doing it. Because in the story, you can say that Justin was so hard and you were not scared at all and it’s not like you spent more time getting the come out of your belly button than actually having sex or anything.
6. No one cares even a little bit about anyone else’s virginity status. Everyone is just excited to be having sex, virgin or not.
7. The bleeding and hurting thing isn’t what it’s made out to be. You’d probably already lost your virginity to a bicycle when you were 11.
8. It teaches you some things about your body, but nothing you can’t learn from masturbating. If you don’t want to get down with someone else, you can figure out what turns you on by, um, homeschooling yourself.
9. There is no comfortable way to find out that vaginas queef during sex. Just know that it’s not a fart, Justin.
10. Sex only gets better. No one’s first time is their best time. No one.